Is this grammatically correct? I just received a letter that read, “Congratulation on your acceptance to the master’s program.”

Matt

Certainly. We normally wish multiple congratulations to people, but there’s no reason why you cannot wish a single congratulation.

Bette

It sounds wrong, though.

Matt

That’s just because you always hear the plural. I think that a long time ago the singular was probably used more often, but over the years it evolved to the point of multiple congratulations being the standard. If you ask me, we’re probably wasting congratulations.

Bette

So if somebody got married, you would say “Congratulation” to them?

Matt

No, that would warrant more than one congratulation.

Bette

How about getting a new job?

Matt

Generally at least two congratulations, although I suppose it depends on the person and the job.

I’m really talking about something like finding five dollars on the sidewalk. “Hey, I just found a five dollar bill!”

Bette

“Congratulation!”

Matt

Yeah, that sounds right.

I may start specifically enumerating how many congratulations I give out. I wonder if it’s okay to give out fractional congratulations.

Bette

…

Matt

I really hope that your letter wasn’t meant to be sarcastic.

Bette

Me, too.

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Matt

Thanks for the toy from Sonic! There’s so much science going on, here!

Bette

*sigh*

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I heard on the radio yesterday that a meat supplier took steaks back from a restaurant that had not been paid for. Then he decided to take back steaks that were being prepared, and finally went and took steaks off of diners’ plates! Can you believe that?

Matt

Are you serious? That’s just not right! Don’t get me wrong, I understand that if you purchase stolen goods, they can be taken away by their rightful owner. These weren’t exactly stolen steaks. The supplier knew the risks of letting the restaurant have the steaks without payment. What was he gaining by taking back cooked steaks? He certainly couldn’t sell them to anybody else.

Bette

He was making a point.

Matt

We’re overlooking the added value. The steaks belonged to the supplier, sure, but he was also repossessing the labor that went into cooking them, as well as any seasonings that were added. Technically, he should scrub the seasonings off, and uncook the meat.

Bette

Now you’re being stupid!

Matt

I’m facetious, not stupid.

Bette

Tomayto, tomahto!

Matt

Anyway, if a jeweler had put stolen diamonds on otherwise legitimate rings and sold them, the rightful owner of the rings couldn’t take back the rings with the diamonds.

Bette

True, but it’s easy enough to take the diamonds out.

Matt

What if a house had been built with stolen studs? Can they rip the studs out?

Bette

Most likely! Houses get seized all of the time!

Matt

That’s just not how it’s done. First you charge late fees. Then you stop giving them new goods. Then you take them to court and get a lien on their assets. Finally, if none of that works, you claim a bad debt and write it off. Sure it’s not satisfying, but it’s the way you do business.

Bette

Well, that’s the polite way, but he was probably tired of being polite. He was being a jerk, but he was within his rights to be.

Matt

So we’re agreed that he was being a jerk, then?

Bette

Yes.

Matt

We’re also agreed that he’s also our hero, right? I mean, all things considered, bad press is worse for restaurants than it is for food suppliers. So good for him!

Bette

Absolutely!

Notes

Source: German Supplier Takes Steaks From Diners’ Plates

(The previous discussion took place under the assumption that this was a local news story. We did not realize that the events actually took place in Germany. Neither of us pretend to know anything about German law, other than the fact that it’s generally written in German.)

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Joice IS NOT a word!

Matt

I’m not stupid. I was pretty sure that joice was not a word, but I played it anyway. It was a real-enough sounding word that you thought twice about challenging me. If you can rejoice, then you should be able to joice. It was a bluff, and you called me on it, so what’s the big problem?

Bette

Ha ha! Pretty sure? I love it! You weren’t sure if it was a word? When was the last time you used joice in a conversation? I absolutely knew that wasn’t a word and that’s why I challenged you. You thought you could pull a fast one on me. Joice doesn’t even sound right. It sounds like a juicer knockoff you’d find someone selling on a street corner.

Matt

When was the last time you used “qi” in a conversation? I thought so! Yet, we play that word all of the time! Besides, I’m constantly surprised by what we find in the official Scrabble dictionary, so yes, I was pretty sure, but not absolutely sure.

And I was totally going to buy you a Joice. I think I saw one in the “As Seen on TV” aisle at the local drugstore.

Bette

Wow. So, that’s your defense? I’ll be the first to say that I have never used the word “qi”, but at least it’s still a word. I haven’t used the word joice because I know it isn’t which means I would never deliberately play it in Scrabble. BAZINGA!

Matt

You play random two letter combinations all the time! Most of the time, you get lucky, and I either do not challenge you or you happen to pick two letters that make up some obscure word, grunt, or letter in some foreign alphabet.

Bette

Well, maybe next time you’ll decide to either challenge me or actually take some chances with your letters since most of the time (lies!) I get lucky. I usually win, how is that luck? I’ve gotten a lot better and you hate that I play those small words that are worth a lot of points. Well, that kind of is the point. We can’t always try to play words like JOICE! You’ll get challenged!

Matt

While you do keep getting better, you still only win about 50% of the time, which basically means, statistically speaking, that you can’t deduce anything from our records.

The next time I score a Bingo, I’m going to totally joice, and when I win the game, I’m going to rejoice.

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Quit adding movies to my Netflix queue! We have separate queues for a reason. You’re just embarrassed that you want to rent Zapped, starring Scott Baio and Scott Baio’s friend from Charles in Charge.

Bette

You say Scott Baio and all I hear is Bob Loblaw! I didn’t do it on purpose. I was only logged in under your name because I was adding stuff to the Instant Queue, which by the way is really just YOUR instant queue because you didn’t give me access under my own name. I guess you are the only one to add instant shows to the queue. How very fair of you! Hey, I told you what I did but I just didn’t want to go and delete them and then have to add them again to mine. It would have taken too much time.

Matt

That’s not my fault that Netflix only gives access to the instant queue to the primary account holder. Send them a letter. Now instead of two movies that I want to watch, we get Zapped and Zapped Again, which I’m sure is an excellent film that won all sorts of awards. Anyway, I guess our mutual problem is really with Netflix, then.

Bette

Well, normally, I would say yes BUT you were the one who told me to log in under your name. Like I said before, I wasn’t adding movies to your queue on purpose, it just happened.

Matt

Well, at least I was kind and trusting enough to share my password with you. I could always change my password and poof, goodbye instant queue access.

Bette

I DARE YOU.

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By reading our arguments, you will surely become a better person. You’ll thank us later.

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